


Chaos and Eternal Nights

by ohfaiths



Category: Agents of S.H.I.E.L.D. (TV)
Genre: Black Widow!Jemma, Captain America!Bobbi, F/M, Hawkeye!Hunter, Hurt/Comfort, scarlet witch!elena, winter soldier!fitz
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-01-01
Updated: 2020-01-01
Packaged: 2021-02-27 08:27:19
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 6,484
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22064005
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ohfaiths/pseuds/ohfaiths
Summary: “This horror will grow mild, this darkness light Besides what hope the never-ending flight Of future days may bring, what chance, what change Worth waiting--since our present lot appears For happy though but ill, for ill not worst, If we procure not to ourselves more woe.” or, another winterwidow!fitzsimmons story.
Relationships: Leo Fitz/Jemma Simmons
Comments: 8
Kudos: 10





	Chaos and Eternal Nights

**Author's Note:**

  * For [leopoldjamesfitz](https://archiveofourown.org/users/leopoldjamesfitz/gifts).



> Dear Kris, Happy New Year. I hope 2020 will bring you the things you want and dream of. I was very lucky to have you in 2019, you taught me a lot. I hope this year will be kinder to you and it's going to be a great one.
> 
> I hope you like this.
> 
> Shoutout to besidemethewholedamntime for beta-reading this story ♥
> 
> Title from 'Paradise Lost' by John Milton.

Jemma sat with a book on the couch in the common room, half-listening to the bickering in the background between Bobbi and Hunter who were discussing their new mission. It would be easier to focus on the story if they weren’t barking at each other, obviously, but where would be the fun in that? Jemma had to smile on a few occasions, especially when Hunter groaned in frustration . Arguing with Captain America herself was quite the show.

They had a mission today, and an easy one.  It’s not like they had to discuss the strategy  because the Widow had her own. Bobbi always told her to follow her orders, and really, Jemma tried. She was a good girl who respected Captain America but honestly, sometimes her strategy was shite. Besides, the Widow had a partner and working with him was easier than  working  with the rest of the team.

Jemma turned the page and felt someone beside her, and she shivered at the cold sensation that went down her spine. She still couldn’t get used to this, even though  it had  been over a year since SHIELD recruited him.

The Soldier.

It took them longer to get to know each other again, to remember how to act around one another and eventually become partners again. Jemma knew that it was hard for Fitz to be in SHIELD, especially after the things he’d done.

He didn’t deserve forgiveness, he once said to her, but maybe a second chance would help him to be a better person. Jemma herself had never been the type of woman who could care about someone. It was taken away from her in the cruellest way possible, but her heart remembered. Perhaps this is why she turned into a soft mess when the Soldier was around her.

They were always concentrated on the missions, yet gentle behind the doors of their small room.

Jemma closed her book once she realized that there  wouldn’t  be any reading done any time soon , and  she glanced at the Soldier, smiling softly. He was already suited up for the mission, except the bulletproof vest. It’s not like they needed it, with Winter Soldier’s metal arm and Black Widow’s skills, but Bobbi insisted on wearing tactical gear whenever they went on a mission, and well, who were they to disobey orders?

Jemma focused on listening to Bobbi’s plan, not quite sure what they would be doing today. She missed the good old days where she didn’t have to listen to whatever her superiors had to tell her. The missions in the Red Rooms were mostly hectic but fast. It took Jemma forty minutes to find the target and eliminate them. Of course, the missions were fun when they sent the Soldier with her.

“We are not going alone this time,” Bobbi announced after the main briefing and Jemma stiffened. This  was  not good. “We need to fight fire with fire. This is why Elena is coming with us.”

Ah, the Scarlet Witch.

Jemma clenched her jaw and watched the other woman joining them, eyeing everyone carefully. Jemma could understand her because she  knew  what the other woman  felt . She  was  still out of their league, though she may  have be en stronger than everyone else here combined, lonely and misunderstood. Simmons remembered the time they first met her and her mind tricks. The Widow may forgive whatever she did to her, but she won’t forget it.

Then, she tilted her head to the side and froze for a second.

“Is this my jacket?”

“She’s with us.” Bobbi gave Jemma a warning glare. Not that it scared her.

“That doesn’t explain my jacket.”

“Anyway.” Captain America ignored Jemma and she rolled her eyes, standing up to join the team, but keeping her distance from the Witch. “Elena and I will try to find the flash drive, Fitz will be guarding the exits. Jemma and Hunter will be responsible for the surveillance.”

Simmons had to bite her tongue to stop herself from arguing with Bobbi, feeling betrayed. They’ d discussed this many times, and apparently, Jemma’s requests were just empty words that Bobbi preferred to ignore.

“Now, everyone, get ready. You have 30 minutes.”

Jemma joined the Soldier on the couch, unable to hide the sigh of disappointment. It  wasn’t like she didn’t like this mission, or didn’t trust Bobbi and her orders, but something was unsettling every time she was separated from the Soldier.

They were  the moving force behind all  of SHIELD’s missions, the action couple that could carry the weight of whole missions on their shoulders and complete the m without everyone else involved. They could go into the burning building and make it out alive and victorious; HYDRA was scared of them, as well as the organization they currently worked for, and it was  to their advantage.

Working separately always meant that they would be worried about one another. It  wasn’t like they wouldn’t follow Captain America’s orders, but there would be certain tensions between all of them. The tension  nobody wanted  in the first place.

“You don’t look excited about all of this . ” Fitz’s voice dragged Jemma from her thoughts and she shrugged her shoulders.

“I’ve been there before. Not a fan of mind games.”

“You and that… Elena, have you met before?”

Jemma chuckled and looked up at the Soldier, her hazel hues glistening in the dim light of the room.

“Oh dear, I’ve seen some shit and I would give anything to unsee it. We’ve met before, yes. Not my finest moment.”

“It won’t be like this today . ” Fitz tried to smile reassuringly and moved hesitantly to grab Jemma’s hand. There was something soft about the gesture and Jemma closed her eyes, laying her head on the man’s shoulder. She felt him shivering. “We’ll be on comms, yeah?”

“Of course,” Jemma rushed to reassure him. “And besides, Hunter will be with me. As if I can’t handle myself.”

“It’s not about that,” Fitz sighed. “It’s about teamwork.” Then, he pulled closer to Jemma’s ear and whispered, “You are still the strongest person I’ve ever known.”

Jemma smiled smugly and opened her eyes, noticing how close their faces were to each other. In any other scenario, Jemma, maybe, would drag the Soldier to the gym and challenge d him for sparring, but they had a mission on  the agenda and when she was about to lean forward and capture his lips  with  hers – something they were both not used to quite yet – Captain America’s voice cut through the comms, asking the agents to move out.

The Widow hated working outside the field. She ached for the action, for beating the hell out of Hydra operatives and snapping their necks. There weren’t too many missions she was allowed to go anymore, not after each and every mission ended with her being heavily injured by Hydra soldiers, or worse, being unconscious for several days.

_ I can’t risk losing you _ , Barbara Morse once told her,  in  the rare st of moments when the two of them were hanging out in the empty kitchen of their base with a bottle of beer in their hands.  _ If something happens to you, if we lose you – I would never forgive myself. _

In the beginning, Jemma didn’t understand how someone could worry about her this much. She was a burden, an ex-Hydra project that managed to escape and begin a new life, but Jemma never really forgot her masters. It was some sort of punishment for her, she thought, and she couldn’t let it go. She knows, she tried. The bad dreams were still there, but it was easier to cope with them now that she had the Winter Soldier by her side.

He was far away from  a healed man, but  so  was Jemma.

They were two broken people, but they understood each other because they were created to be the perfect combination.

They were an easy target for organizations like Hydra, too.

Perhaps this is why Bobbi used the separation method, despite Jemma and Fitz’s requests to put them together. Together, they were faster and stronger, a force to be reckoned with. There was something fascinating about watching them fight in tandem because they knew what they were doing.They understood each other without words, one glance enough to plan their next step.

“You don’t have to look so miserable, I know you’re not a big fan of working with me.”

Deep in her thoughts, Jemma looked up to meet Hunter’s gaze, a smirk on his lips. She knew he was joking, but couldn’t help to let out a frustrated sigh.

“I miss fighting.”

“And I miss shooting bows and arrows,” Hunter replied, flexing his fingers. “I know sometimes Bobbi thinks she knows what she is doing, but we would be more of a help if we were out there.”

“Wait a second,” Jemma chuckled, putting aside the little flash drive that they used for shutting down the enemy’s surveillance. “Did you just… agree with me?”

“I’m not feeding your ego.” Hawkeye glanced at his wristwatch, noticing the time where they need ed to shut down all the cameras and audio. “I’m just saying, it would be nice to kill some bastards.”

Despite being away from the Soldier, Jemma liked working with Hawkeye. He had his moments, but he was a good man with morals. They didn’t necessarily fit in SHIELD’s protocol, but it was admirable that he had a voice and wasn’t afraid to speak out when it was necessary. 

They quickly returned to their task as soon as Hunter’s timer went off, and Jemma sat comfortably on the chair in front of the numerous screens, plugging in the flash drive.

“Well, let the show begin.”

They could easily leave the room and go help others, but it also meant going against orders and they didn’t want to deal with all the crap they ’d have to listen to afterwards. Following orders  was  easy, especially for the Widow who had been nothing but a puppet in her early life as a Black Widow. But being in SHIELD had changed her. She felt the taste of freedom and was brave enough to use her voice without being afraid of the machine she used to be strapped in to every time she disobeyed.

Sitting in the room full of computers also had its perks. Jemma knew where the members of her team were and could warn them in case there was something strange going on. The mission wasn’t supposed to be a hard one, but somehow it all went to shit ten minutes after the operation had begun.

HYDRA was there, too, and it looked like they had the upper hand in their fight. The third-party was involved, as usual, but SHIELD came prepared.

Through the comms, Bobbi warned everyone to stay focused and be prepared for whatever came next. It  was  easier said than done, and Jemma thought the urge to disobey the order and help the team. She knew the Soldier could handle himself, but her sixth sense was really bothering her. 

There was something in the air that Jemma didn’t like, something that made her tap her leg anxiously, watching the screens and trying to find whoever was playing tricks on the team. She was familiar with this pattern, she knew it like the back of her hand. The third-party  would  ruin their mission as usual, but maybe it was just Jemma’s anxiety,  something that had been  becoming  a real problem for the past few months.

She had a coping mechanism that didn’t require much; she didn’t need a shrink to talk to, not when she kept her fears and worries in the tiny little box  in her mind , sealed it shut and forgot it existed. Not the brightest of her ideas, but she’d rather jump off the cliff than admit that she  was scared of something.

Jemma was built to be a strong woman, and she didn’t plan on allowing herself to be weak.

There were a couple of moments – missions, traumas – that left her helpless for a few days and she would give anything to forget it actually happened.

From the corner of her eye, Jemma noticed Hunter fixing his bulletproof vest and counting his arrows.

“What are you doing?” Jemma furrowed her eyebrows, ready to step into action.

“Nothing you should be worried about.” Hunter didn’t even look at her, which unsettled Jemma.

“If you are going out there, I’m going too…”

“No way,” Hawkeye chuckled at the Widow’s suggestion, meeting her stare. “We don’t want you to be unconscious for another three days, unable to do anything rather than asking the doctors about your well-being.”

“Oh for God’s sake, Hunter.” Jemma stood and approached the man, looking somehow taller than she was. “I am a grown-up woman who can handle herself. I don’t need your protection.”

“Jemma, it’s not about  that .” Hunter looked at the woman, almost pleadingly. “I just need you to be ready in case something happens. I’m not going to sit still here and watch my team die because of… whatever.”

“Did Bobbi tell you to watch me? Or Fitz?”

Hunter didn’t say anything, shaking his head. They weren’t always on good terms, especially with Jemma having a voice and not being afraid to use it. She had an opinion or two on how SHIELD should work, and not everyone appreciated it. Yet, she didn’t feel obliged to apologize because of the ideas she had, supported by the  one  person who meant the world to her.

Then, a moment later, Captain America’s voice  rang in their comms, asking the rest of the team join them, including Hawkeye and Black Widow. Jemma was delighted, the adrenaline filling her veins, spreading in her body evenly. She  had  ached for this feeling  for long enough and she  was looking forward to being able to use her pent up energy.

Fighting Hydra had never been so fun, and the Widow found herself enjoying the way the soldiers’ necks cracked, though if she told someone that it brought her satisfaction, SHIELD would probably put her in custody away from them. Jemma was taught to kill people, to take their lives without being sorry, and fighting HYDRA was somewhat killing the parts of her that were still left after she escaped the Red Room. There was the negativity that Jemma still had in her, the darkness she’d rather not have, and maybe she would never be able to get rid of it completely.

Yet, she felt that this was right. She was finally on her way towards forgiveness. She didn’t believe that she  could be forgiven, but thinking about it made her feel better.

After Jemma and Hunter separated, the Widow went to check the perimeter in case there were sleeping agents. She knew how HYDRA worked, as well as Fitz knew what it was like to be the Hydra soldier. They had the upper hand by having the two of them on SHIELD’s side, though it hardly mattered. They were still checked weekly, psych-eval and all that crap that Jemma hated. But she trusted Captain America, and Jemma knew it was important. They are neither bad nor good guys, both Black Widow and Winter Soldier, yet another reminder that Hydra could be everywhere.

Jemma grabbed the gun she held in her hand hard, the silence of the fifth floor startling her. The rooms were empty though there was something about the stillness. Jemma felt eyes on her and felt shivers down her spine. The feeling so similar to the one she had in  the Red Room.

“Did you check the fifth floor?” Jemma’s voice was above  a  whisper yet it felt like she was screaming.

“Yeah, why?” The Soldier’s voice cracked through her comms and she stopped. “Where are you? I’m coming-“

“No no, it’s fine,” Jemma rushed to reassure him, though she smiled when he suggested he’d come. It was nice. “Is Elena with you?”

“She’s with Bobbi. They found out that there is a lab underneath the building.”

“Oh wow, what a surprise.”

Jemma heard Fitz laughing at the end of the line and switched the comms to silent mode, before checking the third room on the floor.

At the same time, she felt something that reminded her wave of cold and stopped for a minute, blinking. She turned around then, noticing nothing but an empty corridor and stepped into the room that looked like something she didn’t expect to see.

It was a large spacious kitchen, the light coming through the curtains from the big windows. Early morning, perhaps, when the sun was just about to rise, and there was the stillness outside she always craved. The setting was familiar yet foreign at once, and Jemma held her breath, noticing the woman with short wavy hair standing  with her back to her. There was something familiar about her, too, the way she held the knife and cut the fruits for breakfast. She didn’t see the woman’s face, but her movements were swift and sharp,  a  skill Jemma  was familiar with.

There was a radio playing, too, some lo-fi channel that Jemma listened to when she wanted to meditate. She never told anyone she actually started to meditate, a small secret of hers she wanted to keep. 

The woman moved to open the window and Jemma, hoping to see her face, went to move forward but something stopped her, as if there was an invisible barrier. Instead, Jemma looked at the photo frames on the counter, the couple on it looking familiar yet foreign at once. It took the Widow  nearly five seconds to recognise the faces in the photograph, and  when she did she felt like she was being thrown into icy water full of sharks.

There was something strange about witnessing all of this, even worse when Jemma didn’t know what was going on. It wasn’t something like she experienced when they first found Elena and her now-dead brother, but rather quite the opposite. Simmons didn’t know if the Scarlet Witch could extract the person’s deepest desires, something the person wants but can’t have.

She was a realist and knew that this was impossible. Her desires were her desires, something Jemma buried deep enough not to think about them. And now it seemed like whatever dream she was in, served her as a reminder of the life she could have but never  would.

Jemma bit her lip and  took  one careful step closer to the woman, hoping that she  would  be able to see her face. Then, as if the Widow was a trigger, the woman called someone to have breakfast. In a second, Jemma heard the person coming down the stairs and joining the woman on the kitchen, immediately going for a kiss.

Jemma felt her heart skip a beat , her head spinning from all of the emotions that  boiled  within her. The couple look ed happy –  _ very happy _ – something Jemma would never have. Happiness  was  an abstract thing, something she  didn’t believe in anymore.

She watched them silently, an invisible guest in their perfect peaceful life, full of sun and smiles. Nothing seemed to bother them, Jemma thought, they seemed to have a peace that Jemma deeply craved herself. She studied the woman’s face that was nothing like hers. She looked relaxed, a soft smile on her lips, with glimmering hazel hues. She didn’t look tired nor bothered \- she looked _young._ The picture was even worse to handle when the man that looked achingly familiar knelt down and cradled the woman’s rounded belly. The woman laughed.

Jemma can’t help but her own stomach, something she will never have. She ’d thought about having children, and not for the first time, she had to remind herself that it was one of the desires she had to lock in the box and forget it ever exist ed . She  was  a soldier, an assassin who  took  people’s lives and live d with all of her choices. Most of her choices were bad or poorly-made. She often had to remind herself that they didn't matter anymore.

What’s done  was  done and there  was  nothing she  could  do to fix it.

The scene started to fade, the life she could have disappeared in front of her tear-blurred eyes. Jemma’s head swam in the ocean of emotions and she let out a shaky breath, unable to hold her tears back anymore. She felt drained, emotionally and physically. She didn’t want to do or say anything, so even after the picture faded away, Jemma  still  stood there, shaking and unable to move.

It was Captain America and Scarlet Witch who found her, Bobbi’s warm hands cradling Jemma’s face, trying to  get  some reaction from her. Simmons breathed heavily and shook her head, moving to grab Bobbi’s wrists. She intended to push away the other woman, to pretend she was alright and ready to move out. She heard bits and pieces of what Bobbi was saying, but when the name of Elena popped in the conversation, Jemma groaned.

“Not her.” Her voice was hoarse yet she tried to keep it steady. 

“I can help you.” Elena appeared in front of her instead of Bobbi, the Witch’s hands on either side of her head. Jemma whimpered at the feeling, but whatever Elena did to her head, her vision cleared and she was able to stay straight, focusing on the woman’s voice and face. 

“Better?”

The Widow nodded carefully and thanked Elena quietly, not quite sure what she did to her brain. It still felt like she was in some kind of a dream, the image of the couple she saw swimming at the back of her mind, not really  t here but the reminder that it had happened.

“I’ll also check on you when we will be on the base,” Scarlet Witch told Jemma, and she grimaced at the thought of dealing with yet another mind game. “I don’t know what they did to you, but I have to make sure you distinguish  between the dream and reality.”

“Are there… did they do anything to others?”

“Hunter, too, agents Davis and Mason but they are okay now and back to the base,” Bobbi sighed and nodded her head to the exit. “Let’s go, we’ve got everything we need. We couldn’t reach you so Elena and I went to find you. Now that we are all here, let’s go home.”

Back  at  the base, Jemma was immediately sent to the lab, Elena following behind her. Jemma felt uncomfortable by just being near the woman, not because she hated her, but because she didn’t trust her powers. How  could  she be sure it wasn’t her who caused the illusion? She did it to her once, and  even though  Scarlet Witch  was  on their side , it  didn’t mean she  couldn’t  manipulate them.

Simmons then felt bad for thinking about Elena that way, especially after she helped the Widow and Jemma felt slightly better. It’s It wasn’t easy for the Widow to trust new people, though she was working on her trust issues.

She watched Elena carefully when she was near, keeping an eye on her hands and what she was going to do. Jemma wasn’t hurt – a rare occurrence – but they did something to her brain and there was something at the back of her mind, a reminder of the illusion she had seen that made her heart ache. On their way back to the base, Bobbi  had  tried to talk to Jemma, though the Widow  had  remained silent. She didn’t tell  her  anything ,  not because she didn’t trust Bobbi, but because it was personal and Jemma tended to keep her issues to herself. It also included  the Winter Soldier, and with the two of them still being watched by SHIELD and kept on psych eval, it would be better not to share the intimate parts of Jemma’s desires.

“How are you feeling?” 

Elena’s voiced dragged Jemma from her thoughts and she straightened her back  so as to seem taller.

“Fine.”

“Really?” Elena smirked at the woman. She read her too well.

“A little bit dizzy,” Jemma admitted quietly and rolled her eyes. Then, she sighed impatiently. “Can you fix it?”

“No.” Elena raised her hands and Jemma grimaced but allowed her to touch her, pleasant warm waves coming through her temples. “This is not sorcery and I can’t make it go away.”

“So it was some sort of bioweapon?”

A third voice joined them. Bobbi  leant  on the door of the entrance of the lab. Elena muttered something in Spanish and turned to Captain America.

“Maybe. Or it was some invisible gas.”

“This is Hydra and everything  is  possible.” Bobbi looked at Jemma a bit sheepishly as if apologizing for what she just said. “Fitz has been asking about you.”

“I bet he has,” Jemma chuckled and slipped off the table, fixing her ponytail. Her head was still spinning and there was a strange heartache that she tried to ignore at the mention of Fitz. “Can I go now?”

Bobbi nodded her head and clapped Jemma on her back when she was passing by. Simmons was glad Bobbi didn’t ask questions, mostly because Jemma didn’t have answers. She had a lot to think about,  had to  find something to ground her. She could go to the gym and let it all out, but she was too exhausted to move. She didn’t want to see anyone, including Fitz, and it scared the hell out of her.

Jemma was lucky to find their bunk empty, a sigh of relief escaping her mouth when she sat on the edge of the bed and stared at the floor. The mission left her exhausted, and not physically  this time . She’d rather deal with cuts and bruises because she  could  handle  the physical pain quite well. But the heartache and thoughts that make her emotional? Jemma could never handle emotions ; they were , frankly, forbidden territory for her.

Red Room had taught her to be feral and quick, a murder machine that ha d no feelings  or  use d them only for the mission that required it. It was easier to focus without being blinded by emotions.

After Jemma had been recruited by SHIELD, everything had changed.  She  wasn’t the same Black Widow she once was, a Hydra weapon. Jemma never liked change and it felt incredibly hard to deal with the fact that she  was becoming different. When she joined SHIELD, there were denial and anger, fear and isolation at first, that led Jemma to rational decisions she regrets now. She went AWOL for several weeks, running away from the looks  that  Bobbi and Hunter gave her, their kind words and support. Jemma didn’t deserve anything of that, or at least she thought so. She thought of surrender ing to HYDRA and allow ing them to do whatever they want ed to only not to feel the pain of the changes she went through.

At the end of it all, Black Widow still returned to SHIELD. They had become her family, her friends , and partners she could rely on. It was hard to get used to the fact that they needed her, that she was making a difference and saving the world rather than destroying it. She found happiness in the smallest things ; in the rare moments when Hunter hugged her, or Bobbi told her she mean t a lot for the team.

And maybe this  was  why, deep inside, Jemma knew that she deserve d something more than this. Happiness , not in terms of the partnership, but a real family with the man she was fond of, someone she was fighting for and  would never stop. Whatever vision she had seen, it was yet another reminder of the life she  could  never have, because a steady and happy life didn’t fit in her current lifestyle. There  was  no time for taking care of children, or having any – HYDRA took that away from them, a distraction from their main purpose. They were meant to kill,  not to be good parents.

To forget the day and shut down the screaming voices at the back of her head, Jemma grabbed the book she kept in her bedside drawer and leaned against the pillow, covering her legs with the duvet.

She’ d been doing better lately with her yoga and meditation practice, something Bobbi  had suggested, and Jemma was grateful she listened to Captain America. After a couple of sessions, Jemma realized that she  was becom ing calmer and more rational, not stepping into the action right away. It was a useful skill, something she had to be taught.

Another thing that Jemma enjoyed doing lately – reading. She asked the team if they ha d any books, something she  could  hold in her hands and not to punch anyone or anything, and was immediately bombarded with the books she had to read.

If anything, it calmed her down. It was easier to cope with post-mission blues and forget about the world for a few hours. No one dared to distract her, knowing Black Widow’s temper.

The re was one person,  however ,  who was not afraid of her.

Jemma knew Fitz ha d come even before he opened the door and entered their small bunk. Maybe it was her sixth sense. Maybe she knew the Soldier like the back of her hand.

She greeted him with a smile without putting the book down  and got  a small  _ hello  _ in return. There was some sort of tension between them, and Jemma couldn’t look at him without remembering the vision. It wasn’t his fault, or hers ;  Jemma just needed some more time to forget the vision she saw she could never have. She needed realise she will never have a life like this.

At the corner of her eye, Jemma watched him change his clothes and now he looked very much like  how Jemma saw him in a vision. He wasn’t a soldier now , but rather a simple man. Someone who wasn’t sent through all circles of hell and spat out on the battlefield. He looked older now yet  still very boy-ish with his stubble that Jemma liked. There was something soft about him, and Jemma cleared her throat before she would allow herself to go this route and suffer because of her thoughts.

She returned to her previous task, turning the page she  had  finished reading.

“You didn’t eat.” Fitz sat beside her, grabbing the tablet from his bedside table. “Do you want me to bring  you anything?”

“I’m not hungry . ” Jemma tried to keep her voice neutral, though she couldn’t hide trembling in her tone. “Thank you, though.”

It was kind of the Soldier to take care of the Widow, something he did during the years they  had spent together in Red Room. But this kindness was suppressed in HYDRA, meanwhile now Fitz was learning to be a better person,  one who t ook care of Jemma.

“How’s your head?” 

There they were.

Jemma bit her lip and marked the page she was reading and closed the book. She didn’t want to tell Fitz what had happened and give him false hope, but she knew they would have to talk about it  eventually . She didn’t know where to start, and how to tell him this big secret of hers, but  she knew she had to try.

“You know you can talk to me, right?” Jemma noticed Fitz moving closer, though she didn’t flinch. There was a chance she might scare him away or make him doubt his thoughts. “I’ve talked to Hunter, he was really sad. Did they hurt you?”

“No, it’s not physical.” Jemma finally looked at him and her heart skipped a beat.

“Did you see anything?” Black Widow nodded and smiled sadly. Fitz inhaled sharply. “Do you want to talk about it?”

He wanted to help. He wanted to be able to be someone Jemma trust ed , and someone she c ould share her issues with. Now it seemed like there was a huge gap between them, and it was unfair. 

Jemma felt guilty not sharing this information with the Soldier. They’ d been through so much crap together, shar ed the battlefield they’ d been fighting on. Their relationship was built on more than just trust. Jemma could rely on Fitz, and he knew that Black Widow would do anything for him. But her wishes and desires, her issues – it was all hers. She carried them along, from place to place, from identity to identity. It was hard, but nobody said it’d be easy.

Simmons was glad that the silence didn’t burden either of them. She would tell him when she  was ready, and Fitz realized that. But when he moved to the entrance of their bunk, Jemma panicked. His body language didn’t suggest that he was angry or disappointed in her, and she felt brave enough to speak. Over and done with.

“Us.”

“What?”

“I saw us.” Jemma smiled sadly, trying to read Fitz and failing miserably. “And it wasn’t when we were in Red Room, or something bad, but…”

“This is something you really want but can’t have,” Fitz finished her sentence and chuckled. “Hunter told me that.”

“Elena said that it could be bioweapon. But it didn’t feel like it. It just… I stood there and then one second, I turn around and…”

Jemma dipped her head, unable to continue. She felt a lump in her throat she couldn’t remove,  full of tears and emotions she always held to herself.

“I thought at first that maybe this is something that happened before, but then I saw myself and I looked different,” Jemma sighed, unable to look at the Soldier. She thought she looked weak in his eyes. “And there was the radio, the one I remember I sneaked to listen to when everyone was asleep.”

“And I remember allowing you to sneak at night,” Fitz shared his memory with a smirk on his lips. “Thought that you would realise your mistake.”

“I didn’t,” Widow chuckled. “But it looked so real. There were photographs and the scenery outside the window, and then you appeared and nothing made sense to me anymore.” Jemma clenched her fists and exhaled sharply. “There wasn’t your metal arm or the uniform, it was just… you. And then I saw myself, and you kneeled and laid your hands around my-  _ her  _ stomach and then I knew  that  it was not real.”

This was, perhaps, the hardest memory. Jemma could never have children, and she probably wouldn’t even if they had a chance. Not in the world they live in. It’s dangerous and cruel, something she could never bring a child into,  even  though maybe, deep inside, she wanted to.

She finally looked up at Fitz, trying not to look as panicked as she  felt. She was afraid of what he might say, or think, because Jemma knew it was hard for the Soldier, too. He was still a foreigner in this world, and he still had a lot to catch up with and it was overwhelming at times. As overwhelming as telling him that there was a vision about them being a family –  _ an ordinary family _ – living at peace somewhere in Scotland and expecting a child that would grow up loved and safe.

“It’s not a bad thing,” Fitz finally said, his hand taking Jemma’s carefully. He twined their fingers and smiled softly. “You shouldn’t be ashamed of this.”

“It’s a weakness.”

“It’s not. And Jemma, you are a human being. You have emotions and feelings, and dreams.”

“They make me vulnerable.”

“Says who?”

Jemma furrowed her eyebrows and pouted, trying to find an answer to his question but not succeeding. She didn’t have a chance to continue because Fitz gently tugged her closer and she laid her head on his lap, his fingers threa ding through her wavy hair.

“Isn’t it something you told me? That we were learning how to be human again?”

“Maybe,” Jemma muttered, unable to say something more than that. “Maybe we can’t have nice things.”

“Well, we have pudding and mashed potatoes in the kitchen,” Jemma laugh ed  and she sat  up  on the bed.

“We could have had it all.”

Fitz smiled sadly and nodded his head, saying nothing but raising his metal arm to cup her jaw. She didn’t flinch and instead leaned into it, feeling ten pounds lighter.

“We should focus on the present,” Fitz said. “But don’t allow your thoughts to  make you think that those desires  are  weak. You are stronger than you think and I will  always t ell you this.”

Simmons smiled a little and leaned forward to place a kiss on his cheek. If anything, she did feel easier after that, but to move on she still needed distractions.  S he grabbed the book and moved to lay her head on Fitz’s chest, opening the book on the page she marked.

“What are you reading?” The Soldier asked ten minutes later after he read  his  reports and was now watching the Widow. He tilted his head to read the title of the book. “Paradise Lost?”

“Trip gave me this,” Jemma shared, without looking up at Fitz. “You should read something, too. Helps a lot.”

“I’d rather spend my free time in the gym,” Fitz chuckled but found himself reading the lines along with Jemma. “It’s quite tragic, isn’t it?”

“Relatable, too, if you ask me,” Jemma snorted. “ _ This horror will grow mild, this darkness light Besides what hope the never-ending flight Of future days may bring, what chance, what change Worth waiting--since our present lot appears For happy though but ill, for ill not worst, If we procure not to ourselves more woe. _ ”

She read the passage out loud and looked up at Fitz , who seemed to  be think ing about a lot right now. Jemma gave up on reading and instead, watched him silently. There was a thought at the back of her mind  about h ow peaceful he looked inside the doors of their bunk, and how lucky she was to be the one to witness it.  She may not have been able to have her deepest desires, those things she wanted most, but what she had wasn’t so bad, and she was lucky to have this at  all.

And Fitz, in whatever form, was the person she appreciated the most in this life. They ha d a long story of failures and mistakes behind their backs, but every time they found each other. They  had survived the worst of their lives and  they basked in the happiness of  the small moments that no one knew about except themselves.

They were something Jemma felt grateful to have, and something to hold on to, the moments like these.

**Author's Note:**

> Thanks for reading.


End file.
